life has changed
Ron Hp quote
magowago12
to think  a year ago i was miserable
made fun of
being a stupid bitch in general
now i can only think of one goal
i used to tell myself keep going
things are bad
bad things are weightier now
i must always have a back up plan
no one  love me this much
it wont last much longer
but what if it does?
how can i think of taking care of someone else
what will i do
what will i say
all the stress of those questions
stop me in my tracks
all i cling to is
he loves me now
he wishes to spend every minute with me
he puts up with my oddness
he wants to fix me
i will lean back and try to enjoy
ingoringbmy head
how bad could it be

Part 2
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

I saw the otherside
Confidence
New life adventures
I can face
I put my hands ontop of the wall
Ready to sit ontop of this huge wall
Then of course the wind laughs at me
Gravity pulls at my body
I slip skidding down the wall
Bloody
Bruised
Determined I find my grip
Not falling to the bottom
But moving much slower
Carefully climbing back up
Wincing
Pain shoots thru my hands and feet
I must continue
I believe life can get better
I just have to grit my teeth
Keep finding a foot hold
Slowly working thru the pain
To be continued

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Part one?
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

Incomprehensible is the stone wall that blocks my way
Tall and unmoving
In away everyone has their hurdles to get over
I can see others well down their path struggling with their own made issues
Noone can help you but yourself
Which brings me back to my wall
All life lines are gone
the water I was using to erode the base is taking to long
What do I have left to try
I can't fly
I'm too afraid what if I close why eyes and the wings are gone
At any rate it seems impossible to do it alone
I've tried just climbing my wall stabbing it with spikes and traveling upwards
The wind forces me back to the ground
So I sit here looking up at my damn wall
Wondering
Pondering
Weeping
Over what I am missing for on the other side is a new level of me
Someone as tough and durable as this wall
Which brings us back to the problem....
Me.

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(no subject)
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

What I wish I could say. Braden. I am so happy you found a girl you can be adorably handsome and sweet to. I Am flattered you apperiate my company so much you wish to be friends. Truly you are a wonderful man who has made me smile and laugh taught me so much.... I trust you. I have kept my promise with you to be honest. Therefore. I must tell you the truth. I can not deal with you at the moment. I want to be alone now. My heart is aching and I can't sleep. Stupid me believed you when you called me baby and said I was beautiful to you. -_- my heart has made attachments in the 8 months I have known you. We haven't even had more than 2 days without talking to you. So now I want to be alone. I have a vacation to go on and 2 tests and an exam. After that I will be able to handle being your friend. I want to be able to ask about your new female without my heart cringing in pain.
Also. I am angry with you. Why did you lie to me. You could of told me. Telling me you got "extra hours" is unacceptable. If I had found my dream man all tall yummy with pretty eyes I would of fucking told you so you could deal with that. Leading me on. Unacceptable I recall last fucking week when I said "I can't wait to see your face again" you could of said "eh no I met this girl and I'm going to take her on a date or fuck her whatever happened we cool cause I value your friendship." in the end that is why I am awake so fucking early..... Come on when I met you you told me about having sex with your ex and that didn't much bother me at the time.
I am glad you gave me a short confidence boost. I will miss talking with you on Skype. When you promised to always be there for me even if stuff happened (remember it wasn't that long after meeting you you made that promise to me) I hope you will keep that promise. I need friends and I value what you say. Please don't give up on me just because I'm upset and hurt it will pass.

What I will actually say tomorrow in a MSG since I can't tell you face to face.
Hey Braden. I want to be alone for a little while. I will go on vacation and then take my exam. If you really super need someone to text feel free but I would rather be alone for a little bit.

No lying but editted. Im going to try to slep maybe typing this will ease the gaping hole eating my chest.

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Late night rant
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

I can not sleep. I am so nervous... I knew today was coming. I was so happy Braden finally got a chance to escape his hell hole of a home. I am not selfish but now I am in dread. I hate the thought of being alone barely able to talk to someone who truely cares about everything in my life. Someone who I can be just myself with.
Now I must pretend to be obedient daughter attentive young lady. Beat myself down as I torture off the pounds in silence. Put on my mask to face those I convince I am normal I belong even though their every answer screams I do not belong and never will.
I must be brave and face it alone yet again.
Braden made things feel so much better relieved the pain I feel. Once the summer is over he will be happy alone just him and Huey. I will be..... Alone.... But he can join me again since he hopefully will not have as long Hours not from 5pm to 2am.
I can do it I believe I can.

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Jenny
magowago12
wrap me in your arms
protect me from the storm
i'm desperate to be touched
my heart aches for words to bring it to life
i feel so foolish chasing you 
i know i am tumbling face first to doom 
but baby what can i do
i lay here at night thinking where you are
why it is taking you so long to find me.
i look for you wherever i go
but it is tough to continue untouched
possibly i am picky
but i know when i find you i will know 
you will be the first man i share my soul with
i hope you will not be long
day after day it gets worse
i need your touch
bring my heart to life
prove me wrong
wrap me up in your love 
prove while i am with you
we can man the helm together

(no subject)
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

I'm so pittiful deserpate I know I am seeing things it feels like you lead me on just to crush me down but I know you are not it is my heart playing tricks the more I try to retreat the more you press forward just to dash my hopes driving me mad. What can I do

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(no subject)
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

To be honest.
I don't hate people
I get tired of their stupidity and ignorance.
I am not hateful to others I was not raised that way
I can withstand abusive from people who do not understand
That is not what hurts me
It is when I put so much into something
Throw in everything to the project
Then I get nothing back or worse
I get worse back
I try to shrug it off but it picks at me
Makes me so depressed I question my exsistance
no need to worry
Even tho I have no reason to think thing will get better
I have a feeling that I have more to give
It is so painful
So illogical to just keep giving myself
But I'd love helping people
I will keep trying
At the moment I feel so worn thin

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(no subject)
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

I'm so cold
I press on down the road
My knee hurts
My eyes water
My heart aches
The wind whistles "you'll never make it" into my ears
It lashes at me slowing the pace
If I don't make it to the shelter what can I do
I lose my way
What ever to do
I have lost most of my coats long ago
They warm coats caught on the limbs of trees
Some I had clumsily broke the zipper
Holes form in the weak material left
The jackets I have found look Warm but
Much to my dismay fail to keep back the cold
What other choice do I have
The freezing rain is burning my skin
It is dark and cold
What can I do but shuffle towards the light
Praying one day I'll make it
It lashes

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(no subject)
Ron Hp quote
magowago12

Why I am so dumb?
It is to much to ask to receive what you give
I am so angry and alone
I know I will forgive but I am so hurt
I wish I could ask him why
What choice do I have?
I'm so lonely I'll take anyone
Anyone just to talk to me....
I'm so pathetic
I know
But spilling these words makes me feel better

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